THE ART OF STORY, THE CRAFT OF SCREENWRITING AND MORE

There’s a disease racing through the Hollywood community, and for its victims, the side effects can be ugly.

• Your hair color changes suddenly.
• Your lips look like somebody took a bicycle pump to them.
• The skin on your face gets tighter than a bongo drum.

You’re probably way ahead of me.  The disease is called Ageism — a syndrome that runs rampant in Showbiz and seems to attack people in their mid-forties.

It works this way. Television networks make their revenue by selling advertising. Advertisers want young eyeballs on their commercials because they believe younger viewers are more impressionable than older viewers whose buying habits they believe are set in stone.  So the networks want to make programming that appeals to young viewers. How do they do this?  They hire young buyers who they believe can relate to and understand youth culture.  Those buyers believe youngish writers and have a better feel for how to create culturally relevant shows populated by lots of good-looking 20-something actors. Same thing happens at the movie studios. Want theater seats filled with teenage boys?  Hire a writer who is still using Clearasil.

The result is that yesterday’s stars can turn in today’s underemployed — whether they’re in front of the camera as actors or behind the camera as writers, producers and directors. And the impact of that equation is that Beverly Hills plastic surgeons get rich, the Just For Men flies off the shelves and $70 million class-action lawsuits get filed against agencies, studios and craft guilds.

Now I would never deny the existence of Ageism or that it hurts thousands of working professionals in Hollywood. But if you’re a tastemaker or a culture-shaper in that over-45 age group, as I am — or if you’re a creative on the outside looking in and your biological clock is ticking — I want to share a cure I found with you.

It’s called Vitamin BE YOURSELF.  It means…

1. Not trying to change your appearance. You don’t have to join the Lipo-Botox-Grecian Formula Club, which (let’s be honest) only makes you look desperate and you’re not really fooling anybody with that jet black hair anyway. Instead, if you feel you need to look younger, do it with fitness and healthy living. Face the aging process honestly and gracefully. Don’t waste precious time you could be using to be productive on trying to turn back the physical clock.
2. Shining, not whining. I’ve encountered too many once-successful Hollywood talents who shrivel up into little husks of bitterness because they’re not working as much as they used to. They say it’s unfair they’ve been passed over in favor of younger talent. In my humble opinion, the answer is not to kvetch about it. The answer is to start shining again. Go back to what made you successful in the first place. And that was the work. I have purposed to never, ever blame ageism for any lack of opportunity. I don’t deny it exists. I’m just not going to give it any power over me by spending one quark of energy on it.
3. Being young at heart. It’s time to inject your attitude and work with the creative hormones of your youth. Instead of railing against the odds you feel are stacked against you, blow past them with the kind of work surprises people. The kind of work that says you’re relevant, current, hip, with it. The kind of work that makes the buyers believe the next Diablo Cody is going to come walking in the door.

82-year-old Alvin Sargent wrote Spiderman 2 & 3

If you’re a writer, it means returning to what made your scripts competitive back in the day — RESEARCH.  How does a teenager talk nowadays?  Go the mall, use your powers of observation. Forget about the dusty references that made you cool back in the day.  They don’t work anymore. You want to compete with younger talent?  Get a better grasp of their culture than they have themselves, then add the depth of your life experience and the power of your pen which has been honed over time. The hot, young wunderkind doesn’t hold a prayer against you if you pull out those weapons.

Yeah, I realize you have to get in the door, and the studios and networks all have their little black books of who’s hot and who’s not. But the last time I checked Alvin Sargent was 82-years-old, and if writing the screenplays for Spiderman 2 & 3 isn’t hot, nothing is.

So what’s the cure for Ageism?

Forget about the class-action lawsuits. Have some class… take some action. Kick some young butt.

Sometimes I get asked by aspiring writers and producers how my career in film and TV got started. While there are undoubtedly as many paths to success as there are successful people, that old saying “it’s who you know that counts” is actually true in Hollywood. The word “nepotism” comes from the Greek word nepos, which means “nephew.” And in my case, that shoe fits… literally.

In Part 1, I discussed how in 1984 my wife’s great-uncle, Don Ingalls, a long-time Hollywood writer-producer, had opened the door for me to pitch and write an episode of Fantasy Island.

Here’s Part 2 of how it all started for me:

When I was ten, I remember watching an episode of a new science fiction series, The Invaders, with my father. After it was over, I have a vivid memory of sitting there, awestruck, and saying a simple little prayer:  “God, someday let me be able to tell a story like that.”  

And now years later, that prayer was being answered with the opportunity to write a story for a slice of Americana, a morality tale about a mysterious island resort where your deepest desires are granted, for better or worse. And for the guests, a visit to Fantasy Island did not come without a cost. A “be careful what you wish for” subtext right out of Proverbs was woven into every episode.

What Don Ingalls and the show’s other producers wanted from me was a story about a single woman who desires to break off an illicit affair. That was the hook I was given and here was my take on the story: Our heroine comes to the island looking for the courage to break off an affair with a married man after his many failed promises to divorce his wife.

But how would Mr. Roarke grant this fantasy?

I decided that he should bring both the man and his wife to Fantasy Island under false pretenses and that our heroine should decide to seek out the wife and confront her with the sordid truth. But before she can even do that, she is befriended by a lovely paraplegic woman injured years earlier in an auto accident who has also come to the island for her own fantasy.

The disabled woman encourages our heroine to do the right thing, but when she goes to blow the lid off the affair, she discovers (you probably guessed it by now) that the wheelchair-bound woman is actually her rival, unaware of her husband’s infidelity. Our heroine decides to take the high road and spare the woman’s feelings, but the experience has finally given her the courage to tell the man to hit the bricks and to stop being such a hound.

Two weeks later, when I turned in the script, I felt cautiously optimistic that I had nailed it. And when Ingalls’ next call came, the news was good. Not only had I delivered a very shootable draft which would immediately be going into production, but there was talk of bringing me on board the show’s writing staff the following year as a story editor. That is, if the show was picked up by ABC for an eighth season. That turned out to be a big “if.” Fantasy Island was cancelled just two months later. My episode was one of the show’s final three broadcasts.

But my first cup of coffee in the big leagues had taught me a few things.  First, Ingalls told me that the producers had a back-up plan in case I crashed and burned on that script — another script ready to go into production.  Had I known that ahead of time, I probably would have… crashed and burned.

Secondly, nepotism only opens the door.  You have to do the work and show yourself approved to keep it open, Nephew or not.

NEXT UP — Four years later, my Ethiopian Fantasy Island moment…

My name is Brian Bird, hence the eponymous name of my blog and website. And for the last 25 years, I have been a film and television writer and producer in Hollywood.  I have written and/or produced a dozen films and nearly 250 episodes of network television. You can see my credits here.

I am also the husband of one wife (29 years) and the father of five children, which makes me sort of an oddball in Hollywood — a business which can be particularly harsh on marriage and family. I believe in God and I believe in the power of Story to affirm life, faith and the dignity of all people.

I offer all these professional and personal credentials not out of hubris, but to show you that even an average schmuck like me can rise out of obscurity and actually find success in one of the most competitive businesses in the world.  And live to talk about it.

When I began contemplating joining the online revolution, I asked myself two hard questions:

1. Am I really committed enough to keep this website fresh and meaningful?
2. Will there be anybody out there listening?

Well, to the first, I guess you’ll ultimately have to be the judge of that.  I will absolutely do my best to make this site the most helpful, hopeful journey through the screenwriting and filmmaking trade as I can.  I pledge to bring you tools, tips, training, resources, shortcuts, insider knowledge, battlefield strategies and answers to your questions. I will blog about my own creative and not-so-creative experiences, and offer my opinions about life, art, religion, politics and culture.  I will speak out of school if I have to and tweak noses when they are out of joint. And I will be generous with my praise because God loves a cheerful giver.  And I hope that all of this will encourage you if you’re floundering in the middle of this very capricious business, or open some doors for you if you’re standing on the outside with your heart on fire.

To my second question, I can only point to a recent experience that was very humbling for me.  A young writer I’ll simply call “Pete” found my number somewhere and called to ask if he could have 30 minutes of time.  It’s not something I do very often because frankly I could spend 40 hours a week meeting with new writers hungry for advice.  However, in this case I said yes.  So we met and had coffee and some nice meaningful conversation, and I could tell that this young man was going places with his talents.  I later found out that he drove all the way from Northern California for 30 minutes of my time.

So, it is for the Petes of this world that I offer this website.  I hope somehow it enlightens you, helps you hone your skills, makes you laugh once in awhile…  and blesses your socks off.

And I look forward to hearing from you often in the comment box, or at info@brianbird.net.

Ever wonder why movies seem to resemble each other in so many ways?   Or why action scenes all seem to be staged by the same choreographer?  Or why certain story points keep repeating themselves in film after film?

Well, there are unwritten rules screenwriters are expected to follow. We don’t really want to follow them, but if we don’t capitulate, somebody else will step in and force our hand.

Here are the 22 most common unwritten rules of screenwriting (Some of these come from The Freeman Institute. If you have any additional rules, please feel free to add them in the comment section):

1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags must contain at least one loaf of French bread or a bunch of celery that sticks out the top of a full bag.
4. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and they will allow you to travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you weren’t carrying any before now.
7. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, you don’t need to look at your wallet as you take out a bill. Just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare, including tip.
12. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their husbands and children every morning, even though they never have time to eat.
13. Cars which crash will always burst into flames.
14. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
15. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright, perspiring and panting.
16. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
17. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
18. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization.
19. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside, in which case you will need a battering ram.
20. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
21. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment you are watching, and it’s never necessary to listen to the complete bulletin.
22. It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts.  Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. They’ll dance around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors

Now you know our dirty little secret… he-he